For better or for....

At 9 and 20 and in-between,
All I was told was
to grow up. Not told,
Insinuated
By words fought between mom and dad, siblings
Needing helping hands, life
Got too big too soon, and
I was 40 

On my 22nd birthday.

 
By some twisted stroke of luck, I

found myself in a picture, big
Doe eyes staring back with naïveté
Unrestrained, unknowingly seeping, my
guard was down (Iron Warrior).
I blindly pursued this child. Only now reclaiming
A childhood my heart didn’t believe it was
Worthy it deserved. This
Brown, soft, doe-eyed girl
Who sang and laughed and skipped and survived
On a diet of cotton candy and crepes, no
Holding back.
 
Today my life has brought me back at

The precipice. The screams are back but
They’re all on the inside. The
Little girl bobs in waves of
Confusion, helplessness, the
Sheer unfairness of giving it everything
I have,
Without acknowledgement, more
Criticisms, contempt.
She
Is almost lost again to my naked
Eye, I
Wave frantically, reaching out
Holding out both hands but
Adult arms restraining
Me back, I
Can’t touch her defiant
Fingertips. No life-vest, no
Lifeguards, this
Time I feel I have lost her
For good.