my brain twirls gently between throbbing membranes, interlocking
spider veins, steely tendrils to hold
it in place.
my face
an empty spot
between the faces of others in photographs,
the blank space i wish i could fill,
but cannot erase.

i look at ghost albums displayed
frivolously
at my windowsill.
still moments of shock, surprise, shared
passion,
i will never feel.
locked, Pandora's box, my
heart,
concealed.

Pearl

he was always bemused to see
the calm oyster shrivel
in the face of the slightest purple
sunset.
and he always wondered how the dark inside
could be more comforting than the paler
blackness of the skies.

said the oyster to her bemused audience
the dark inside may be more frightening, but it and me are
well-acquainted, closest friends
these past few years.
the vast expanse of the sky is yet an unexplored
stranger, and fear
shuts all my doors,
even the ones through which the light may come.

sepia pearls are born, not out of beauty,
but out of the coal black fear.

For better or for....

At 9 and 20 and in-between,
All I was told was
to grow up. Not told,
Insinuated
By words fought between mom and dad, siblings
Needing helping hands, life
Got too big too soon, and
I was 40 

On my 22nd birthday.

 
By some twisted stroke of luck, I

found myself in a picture, big
Doe eyes staring back with naïveté
Unrestrained, unknowingly seeping, my
guard was down (Iron Warrior).
I blindly pursued this child. Only now reclaiming
A childhood my heart didn’t believe it was
Worthy it deserved. This
Brown, soft, doe-eyed girl
Who sang and laughed and skipped and survived
On a diet of cotton candy and crepes, no
Holding back.
 
Today my life has brought me back at

The precipice. The screams are back but
They’re all on the inside. The
Little girl bobs in waves of
Confusion, helplessness, the
Sheer unfairness of giving it everything
I have,
Without acknowledgement, more
Criticisms, contempt.
She
Is almost lost again to my naked
Eye, I
Wave frantically, reaching out
Holding out both hands but
Adult arms restraining
Me back, I
Can’t touch her defiant
Fingertips. No life-vest, no
Lifeguards, this
Time I feel I have lost her
For good.